What 'Acceptance' in Mindfulness is Not

A bit of a rant on what 'acceptance' is not, especially in regards to chronic illness

I was inspired to write this post after reading

Lisa Andradez

’s post Let’s be honest, and finding myself wholeheartedly agreeing, and then feeling a little conflicted. I feel increasingly that mindfulness and one of its principles, acceptance, are often misunderstood, and are portrayed as ‘treatments’ for illnesses and conditions that are difficult and that people (and doctors) would rather not have to deal with. As someone who has been diagnosed with chronic illnesses and who finds mindfulness extremely helpful, this misuse is difficult to stomach. In this vein, I’d like to address a couple of harmful misconceptions…

Most importantly, acceptance in mindfulness does not mean accepting everything life throws at you with open arms, a warm smile and heaps of gratitude. I once participated in a CBT course following one of my first diagnoses that sounds similar to a therapy

Lisa Andradez

writes she has been offered by the NHS to ‘treat’ ME, which involves being encouraged to:

…think nice thoughts, learn to accept what you have been given, and become more mindful. No mention of physical pain, or how to deal with your life being turned upside down, job losses, friendships ending, family lacking in support, just a good old breathing exercise to calm your mind.

I remember being incapable of relating to what was discussed, and I thought I was just dealing with my situation so badly that I wasn’t good enough for the course. It didn’t help me, and it actually put me off trying mindfulness - it would take two years for me to eventually give it a go!

Through completing a mindfulness training course, I have learned the true nature of acceptance as a principle of mindfulness. It is not about accepting all of life’s circumstances, whatever they may be, without ever feeling angry or frustrated or disappointed or whatever other negative emotion may come up. It is not about accepting and living with all chronic health symptoms without question, where there could be treatments and therapies to help. It is not about accepting blame for things out of our control and not trying to find solutions.

Acceptance simply means acknowledging and accepting what is, in the present moment. Nothing more and nothing less. Asking yourself what is happening for you in this very moment. Becoming aware of it. Accepting it. That’s it.

That awareness and acceptance includes your whole experience - it includes the pain, the nausea, the fatigue, the difficult stuff as well as the other. Acceptance involves acknowledging and then accepting what is going on for you, and so, ignoring your actual lived experience in order to focus solely on the positive is clearly not acceptance. Interpreting or teaching others about acceptance in this way is not helpful, as it implies that in order to be ‘well’, you need to simply reject the parts of yourself that are not healthy - such as pain, fatigue, negative emotions and so on.

Chronic illness symptoms are often dismissed and downplayed, with a focus on looking for the positive and what you have to be grateful for. This can come from suggested journal prompts as discussed by

Tamsin Chennell (she/her/they)

here, or from health professionals, friends and family. When sharing my symptoms or a negative emotion, I’ve been told many a time, ‘there are lots of people worse off than you’. When trying to explain my experience of fatigue, I was told by a doctor ‘at least you can still walk’. I agreed that, yes, I did have the ability to walk, but there were many days that I was barely able to get out of bed, or was in so much pain I had to crawl to the bathroom when needed, to which the reply was ‘well, at least you still have legs’. I remember wondering why on earth the doctor had asked me to describe my experience if he was just planning on dismissing everything I said. I stopped sharing and counted the minutes until I could leave the appointment and go home. I wonder if that was what he was aiming for.

Rejecting any part of our experience runs counter to mindfulness, making acceptance impossible

This rejecting of our experience runs counter to mindfulness, making acceptance impossible. If we are not given space to acknowledge what is going on for us, how can we accept it? The attitude towards the belief that being positive all the time is the answer to any problem is so damaging, as it can leave us feeling isolated and questioning ourselves further - we already often feel that way dealing with the symptoms or difficulties we have, we don’t need any help from other people!

Adapted from photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

It can also be a way of blaming us for our chronic health conditions or for being affected by them - the implication is that if we were more grateful and positive, our symptoms would improve or go away, therefore it is our own fault we feel unwell. This is particularly harmful when coming from health professionals. The premature leap to ‘it’s all in your head’ rather than investigating and treating physical symptoms can be very damaging. It can feel like chronic conditions with no cure and little research are boring, and health professionals don’t want the hassle of having to deal with us.

When my symptoms began, I was initially diagnosed with fibromyalgia and anxiety, and from that moment on, my physical health wasn’t taken seriously by anyone in the NHS. I was referred to the CBT programme I mentioned earlier, and refused any further investigation or support. It was through my own research and private consultations (genuine gratitude for being able to afford a health plan!) that I have managed to (almost) get to the bottom of my physical conditions, and am now taking medication and receiving treatment that alleviates many of my symptoms - things that could not have been solved through CBT, mindfulness or acceptance.

As I mentioned above, I was initially reluctant to give mindfulness a proper go. After it being implied so many times that my physical health symptoms were more in my head than reality, and that stress reduction techniques were the answer, it felt like trying mindfulness was a form of self-betrayal. It took me a couple of years to get over my stubbornness and dedicate some real time and effort to it. I quickly found it helpful, though for reasons different to the ones I was expecting.

Straight away, it helped me notice where I was lacking with self awareness and self compassion. When I began practising, I found it really difficult to know how I was feeling, as my mind and body were so disconnected. It took a while for me to be able to reliably notice how my body was feeling - where I was in pain, where I had tension and what that felt like. This enabled me to approach my health with a whole load of self compassion. I had lightbulb moments of ‘of course I don’t feel like talking to that person or going to that event or doing that task - I’m experiencing extreme fatigue and ten different kinds of pain!’ I was able to stop judging myself for spending the day in bed or choosing to rest and read over some other more seemingly productive task.

With the memory of having mindfulness lauded as the only viable treatment, mingled with the blame, dismissing and gaslighting I’ve experienced in the back of my mind, I still feel a little frustration when I acknowledge how much mindfulness has helped me. It is nonsensical, however, as mindfulness has not helped in the ways it has been touted to help by doctors and by family members. It hasn’t reduced my chronic health symptoms or made them go away; it hasn’t stopped me ‘complaining’ (ie expressing that I’m feeling unwell); and it hasn’t enabled me to ‘get on with life’ in the same way I did when I wasn’t chronically ill. Instead, it has helped combat the very dismissing, ignoring and gaslighting that I’ve experienced at the hands of those pushing it onto me! I want to make that very clear here.

Without being mindful and accepting of my physical condition on some level, I wouldn’t have fought so hard for answers. I also wouldn’t have become more discerning about who I let into my life, what I spend energy and time on, and when to seek alternative medical advice or stop treatment that is doing more harm than good, despite others’ wants or advice.

Mindfulness, for me, is an act of self care. It is the most valuable form of self care as it helps me develop awareness of how I’m feeling, and from there I can work out what to do and when to do it to meet my own needs, something I’ve struggled with in the past. Acceptance has taught me the self compassion needed to relax and be my authentic self.

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know your thoughts in the comments…